I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
