Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
