...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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