The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
