Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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