I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need to calm my uterus...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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