i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
