i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
