Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
