Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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