Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
