i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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