I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
