I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
