My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
