you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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