My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
