Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
