we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
foreskin is a definite game changer
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
