We're like a lot better than the average bears
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
