don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
