Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
