Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
