I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
