I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
