Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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