Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
