Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
