Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
