if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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