so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
