Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
