So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
