Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
