Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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