He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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