I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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