i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
