WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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