and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
