Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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