i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
