I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
