you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
