You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
