how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize