Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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