Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
