Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
