Can i not drive my cunt home
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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